Dear “If” Factory,

I am placing an order for a few hundred “ifs”. There is a potential bridge that I will potentially have to cross sometime in the future. And I want to be sure that I am entirely prepared when I get to this bridge, if I get there that is.

So I am obviously going to need a bunch of “ifs”. I need a good dozen “best case scenarios”, tossed in with several dozen “very implausible” possibilities. However, I will need a good half of this order to be a healthy variety of “worst case possible scenario”, “anxiety-causing possibilities”, and “anger-inducing imaginations”. Another fourth will need to be of the “regret-triggering thoughts” and “fear-generating probabilities”. And if you have any left, I will only need a few “very likely” and “most-plausible”. And only one or two, “hope and peace causing” “ifs” will be needed as the mark up is more than I can afford.

Please also throw in a few blank “ifs” to haunt me after I cross this potential bridge. I may need them in order to doubt my judgement and actions that I took at my crossing, if it happens.

Also, I was wondering about your return policy. If I do not reach this said bridge, am I allowed to return my “ifs” even if they are used? And if I do not use all that you send to me, may I return them after my possible crossing? Also, I may want to hold onto some for a few years, just in case, so are these “ifs” time sensitive?

Many thanks,

Audrey

Dear Growling Stomach,

Yes, I am aware that you are unhappy with your current situation. In fact, I believe the entire room at this point has been made aware.

While we are all impressed with your superhuman growls that would scare even the bravest of lions, you are slightly distracting. Since you never have to worry about completing paperwork, you would have no idea how hard it is to concentrate under the sweet melody of a whale-calling stomach.

I know you are hungry. In fact, the brain over here has been hangry for hours. But do you hear it complaining?

Okay, don’t answer that question.

Anyways, I am just writing to politely ask you to wait patiently until lunch. And please don’t suggest that we visit that vending machine again. People are starting to stare. Even more than usual.

With love,
Audrey

P.S. Growling louder does not cause lunch to happen sooner.

Dear God,

I am calling to inform you that I will be unable to attend life today. Due to unfortunate circumstances, I will be absent. I am sorry for the late notice, and I hope that my absence does not cause any inconveniences. However, I am planning on attending life tomorrow. Thank you for understanding.

With love,
Audrey

Dear Fools,

Today is your day! You must be so proud. I know that compared to having you own month, unlike African American History Month, Women’s History Month, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, National Honey Month, and National Forestry Mulcher Month, having your own day is a bit of a let down. But despair not, this is the day when not only are you celebrated but joined by millions of siblings, pesky boyfriends, joking fathers, witty mothers, and mischievous uncles in raising awareness about Fools.

So many of us are misinformed about the Fools we know in our lives. We either participate in cultural appropriation or plain outright prejudice and stereotyping. I mean, without you, the witty people of the world would have no one to crack their jokes on! Without you, sibling rivalry would loose its bitter edge! Without you we would not have funny stories to swap at lunch. Without you, our intellect would not appear as astounding. From all of us around the world, we would like to thank you for giving us the appearance of having our lives together!

Happy April Fools!

Lots of Love,

Audrey

Dear Ice Cream,

You are my first love and will be my last. You have always been there for me through bad days and good days. No matter where I was, you were always there, supporting me.

No matter what, I will be there to support you. Even if you arrive on a stick, in a cone, or on top of a bowl, I will not desert you. Granted, I am not sure how I feel about dipping dots. I am pretty sure they are imposters.

Whatever mood you are going through, I will love you. If you are feeling dark chocolate, I will be there just to listen. If you are feeling Rocky road, I will out patience your complications. If you are feeling butter pecan, I will see your beauty anyways. And if you are feeling pistachio, I will be funky with you.

I will love you through soggy  ice cream cones, burnt waffle cones, and too small cardboard cups. I will love you even if your carton looses weight every year.  I will love even when there is no more chocolate syrup. And when we run out of rainbow sprinkles, I will stick by your side. My dearest ice cream, my love for you will never melt.

 

With love,

Audrey

Dear Weather,

I would like to kindly put in a request for snow. I know, shocker. I normally despise cold temperatures and frozen stuff that shuts down life for three or four days. It is too much trouble than it is worth. However, if there ever was a time for it to snow, now would be that time.

You see, I have to work all weekend, and I need a good excuse to get out of working. My options for excuses included getting in a car wreck, getting sick, or getting snowed in. While I do not doubt my ability to get in a wreck, I sure would hate to put a dent in someone’s tree. And even in elementary school I had no game when it came to pretending to be sick.

So, you are my last hope. Please do not fail me in my time of need.

With love,

Audrey

P.s. It’s already cold enough to freeze a penguin’s nose, it might as well snow, just saying…

Dear 2016,

Well, I waited up last night for you to arrive, and I hate to admit it, but your arrival was fairly uneventful. I had more fun picking up my aunt from the airport. They had Starbucks there.

Anyways, I digress…

I want to express me immediate disappointment over the sudden down turn in weather. Although 2015 was not my favorite year, I finally experienced a “Sunny and 75” Christmas. The immediate drop of twenty so degrees in temperature was less than pleasing.

I guess the weather is a tad out of your control. Anyways, you are just merely a mark of time, a symbol of a new chapter of our lives. As a broken human race we look forward to these next 365 days hoping that perhaps we will find rest, peace, and happiness. We want to find the lost. We want to finally dry all the tears. We want the bank account to finally balance. We want the pain to end. We want our football team to win.  And last night, many looked forward to your arrival with such hopes in mind.

But, 2016, just like 2015, I am sure that not everyday you have in store will be easy. Some weeks will leave me bruised and half dead. Some weeks will fill me with utter joy.

You are only a collection of days that we use to mark our lives. What is in store for me is dictated by my Lord, not the newest political leader, Jihad war, or pending financial success.

So here’s to you and each new day I am blessed to live!

Love,

Audrey

 

P.S. (I still wouldn’t mind if this could be the year for my team.)

Dear Christmas Cookies,

I love you dearly. In fact, I will always love you dearly. Although I must admit, that I am not above cheating on you with fudge. But that is beside the point, I wanted to share my frustrations in our relationship.

Why do you have to be everywhere Christmas Cookies? I promise, I see you everywhere I look this time of year. You are always on my mind. Yet, you are so bad for me. I know I need to stop seeing you, stop thinking about you. But I just cannot help myself.

Perhaps we should take a hiatus in our relationship… But let’s wait until after Christmas. There is nothing worse than having to be alone during Christmas Parties.

With love,

Audrey

Dear Weather,

I would like to express my gratitude for the abnormal temperatures. Everyone has been complaining or speculating about why everything has suddenly become so warm. Whatever the reason, I see no cause to grumble. I have not had to pack up my shorts or unpack my abdominal snowman jackets. Last weekend, I almost got a full tan just walking to the mailbox. Granted, the temperatures hardly seem full of “holiday cheer”, but people in Florida have been celebrating warm Christmases for years! For once, I will be able take my Christmas card pictures in shorts looking like I am spending a smoking hot vacation in Florida without actually leaving my neighborhood. This is truly a Christmas miracle.

Besides the personal perks, the amount of money being saved is phenomenal! I no longer have to spend half my budget stocking up on sweaters to survive the fifteen minute walk between my car and the grocery store. Also, once in the grocery store, I will not have to spend the other half stocking up on milk and bread (because when the weather man says a light dusting, you never know…). Governments can save money on clearing piles of snow from the road, and children can go to school (of course, this is only a positive if you happen to be a parent).

Anyways, since I am sure that you have been receiving much hate mail recently, I thought I should send a letter of encouragement. Way to throw us a loop and keep us wondering what’s in store for our weather and climate! Keep up the good work.

 

With love,

Audrey