Dear God,

Surely you have heard my cries for mercy nor abandoned me to the hands of evil.

I had hit my knees in front of your throne with my hands held high and tears dripping down. Words were hard to find to express the ache inside my soul.

And some nights I truly gave up the battle and walked away from the best thing in my life. As if walking away would heal the sores in my soul, I turned cold to the warmth of your love.

Though, winter is no match for the whispers of spring. A heart of stone will melt with the love of its maker. So you waited patiently as I ran away, walking after me with scarred hands extended. Hands that offered healing.

And even when I felt that what your hands offered would not be enough for me, I found that it was.

With love,

Audrey

I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.

Psalm 116:1-2

 

 

 

Dear God,

My heart overflows as I reflect on your utter goodness in my life. My life has not always been “good” or comfortable or easy. Oh, but you have always been good. Your mercies have always been sweet. You have never left me alone. I have never been left wanting. And although I turn and run away from your heart, you have never stopped pursuing me. Your love has been steady and constant even when mine ebbed and flowed like the changing rhythms of the tide. When I shook my fist at you and hollered my insults into the overcast skies, you never turned your back on me. Not once. The depthof your love is more than I can understand or deserve. I love you Lord, but help me to love you more. Give me a singleness of heart and mind.

With love,

Audrey

 

Dear God,

I have forgotten who you are. In the midst of the storm, I allowed the chaos to define you. In the pain, I forgot about the power in the hands that hold me.

My faith became about how you would rescue me from the tempest. My prayers were consumed in seeking your healing for my hurts. My searching was not for your love but rather for your answers. My obedience was given conditionally.

And yet, you open my eyes once again and clear my heart from confusion. And suddenly it becomes known to me that you are the answer. That in the middle of the confusion, chaos, and waves, knowing who you are is enough for me.

I have allowed my weak thoughts, my sin, and my circumstances to define you. Lord, my Creator and Sustainer, I fall humbly at your feet. I seek forgiveness. For you are the God who never changes although the whole world shakes. You are my God, and you are enough for me.

With love,

Audrey

 

Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind and said, “Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge? “Now gird up your loins like a man, and I will ask you, and you instruct Me!”

Job 38:1-3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear God,

I am the chief of doubters. I pray and ask you to move, yet in the depths of my heart, I doubt whether you will or can. My faith is so weak. Forgive me.

Like the disobedient wails of a child, “Why?” and “Where?’ and “I don’t understand”, I insist that I must see your reasons before I drag myself down the allotted path.  Or that you must explain yourself before I do the work set before me. Or that I must receive inscribed assurance that you will act.

Who am I to demand reasons and explanations? You have instructed us to walk by faith and not by sight. Oh Lord, my faith is but the size of a tiny mustard seed. And although time after time you have proven yourself faithful, I still nourish the weeds of doubt.

I ask that you would forgive me for doubting, for not trusting.  How desperately do I want to walk by faith. Lord, give me faith. Please give me faith.

With love,

Audrey

Mathew 17:20

He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

Dear God,

Thank you for allowing me to approach your throne of grace, for providing a great high priest who is able to sympathize will all my weaknesses. Thank you that the Holy Spirit intercedes for me with groanings too deep for words. For this morning, I have no words; I do not know how to pray.

My heart shattered into a million pieces on this tile floor. So, I am scooping them up and laying all the pieces at your feet. I am so weary; is there even enough strength left to lift my eyes to heaven?

Oh Lord! How desperately do I want to turn off all this pain. How my heart longs that there was a button I could press and “fix” my life. How badly do I pine after answers and revelations.

But Lord, I need you more than I need solutions and answers. I need you more than I need reprieve from this pain. I do not know what to pray or where to go, so I ask that you would just hold me. Hold me and all the broken pieces of my heart in your hands.

 

With love,

Audrey

Psalm 119:76

May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant.

Dear God,

Who can hide from you? Which part of my heart have you not known? Which thoughts have I whispered in which you have not heard? Does not the one who created ears, hear? Or eyes, see?

Naked and ashamed I stand before you. And though I lie to myself and to you, you know the truth. You know my deepest longings and most coveted sins. I cannot buy your favor with ornate prayers or well constructed faith. I cannot loose your favor by admitting my deepest struggles and darkest fears.

I feel so shackled in the tangled mess of my heart. And I know that if I just surrender and lay my heart at your feet, then I may find rest and victory. Oh but Lord, I am so tired, and my heart is so worn.

I pray that you would shine into the deepest and darkest corners of my heart. Reveal my hidden sins. Help me to surrender and lay my heart at your feet.

I am so sorry for playing hide and seek. Father, I am ready to come home now.

 

With love,

Audrey

 

Dear God,

You have never stopped chasing me. You have never stopped pursuing me. Even when my heart was far from home, you had never left my side.

Since before I was born, you have loved me. During trials of my life when I insisted on turning away from your presence, you loved me. When I shook my fists in rage at you, you loved me. When you hung on that cross and shed your precious blood, you loved me. Your love for me is eternal and never changing.

Lord, I have a heart that is so prone to wander. And although my very soul cries out for you, my flesh insists on running away. So I ask that you would never cease to seek after me. Never give up on my heart. Bind me close to you that I may not stray.

My dear Father, thank you for never letting me go. For even when my heart was so far away, you were so very near.

With love,

Audrey

 

Dear God,

Let me be real. You know my heart inside and out, so let me stop playing games as if my ornate prayers are fooling you.

God, I don’t understand. I don’t understand why you allow certain things in our life to happen. People come in and go out. Circumstances take us off guard. Pain rolls into the shore of our hearts like the never ending waves coming in from sea. Dreams lay unhatched like infertile eggs, or fertile ones that were dashed upon the craggy rocks in a far below ravine. Our wounds forget how to heal and lay festering with infection. Our eyes forget how to cry while our hearts break under the immense burden of bearing hidden pain.

But even in the midst of these tears, I will ever sing, “It is well with my soul.”

And as much as I strive to comprehend the full picture, yet only see this small piece of pain, I will refuse to stop believing in your goodness. I will clutch onto it as my one piece of hope. I have no other choice, for all the other answers this world provides cannot offer me the same peace and joy in the midst of such chaos.

Even though my eyes do not see, even though they are blinded by these tears, I will tell my heart to look up and view the goodness and beauty of your constant love. Even though I do not understand, I will continue to believe in your goodness. You are my one and only hope.

With love,
Audrey

Psalm 42:5
Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

Dear God,

I love you more than life itself. You know the way my heart beats. You know how my spirit longs for you. So then why, O Lord, am I so quick to run away from your open arms? I know that in you alone may my spirit find rest, yet a flitting distraction of this passing world, and I trade your love and peace and hope in for the passing pleasure that is empty.

Oh God! My spirit is willing, but my flesh is so weak. I am tired of living this way. I am tired of living with one heart and a different mind. Tired of running in circles around your grace. Tired of running away. Tired of throwing away every gift you have handed me.

“Prone to wander, Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love. Here’s my heart, O take and seal it. Seal it for thy courts above.”

With love,

Audrey

 

Dear God,

I know that you have asked my heart to be quiet. To listen. I know that you have promised that in the stillness of my soul, you can be found.

But Lord! My soul is stirred with anxiety and fear. My mind wanders like a lost child. Thoughts permeate my heart. And I cannot be quiet.

My heart longs to pray, to feel your presence, to hear your voice. But as I close my eyes and turn my thoughts toward you, I cannot focus or think or pray.

I ask, have mercy on my soul. Please bring me the stillness and quiet for which I so desperately long. Lord, I hunger for you. Please help me to be still. I want to be near you.

With love,
Audrey

Psalm 46:10
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”